Brokenness II

Heart of stone?

Do you have a Heart of Stone?                                                                                                     Why would a foodie veer off in this direction?  As man does not live by bread alone, this foodie and wordsmith is more than a good meal.  🙂  As my ‘About’ states I have intended to write and share ‘things that delight my heart’  which includes the unpleasantries of this journey.  How can the unpleasantries of our journey delight my heart?  They delight my heart because even in the messiness of life we find glimpses of beauty.  I see these glimpses as kisses – or promises – if you will.  Promises of Hope.  A friend calls them, ‘Love letters from God slipped under the door of your life.’

As motorcycle riding is therapeutic.  Writing is cathartic.  As I have mentioned, riding my motorcycle is a blessed time to think; to observe Creation all around, to be drawn to thee Creator and process my journey in life.

Me and 'Candy' ~

Sassy- hand on hip me – and ‘Candy’ ~

First, kuddos to gifted Roxi Mueller for her generosity in doing a photo shoot. (Check out her work at Roxi Mueller Photography on Facebook). Secondly, I chose this particular photo to introduce myself and my Therapy Machine …hehe.  The hand on my hip is indicative of, just some, of my brokenness.  I can be P.C. and tag it ‘sassy, determined or strong-willed’ possibly other labels that would claim to be ‘sensitive’ to my self-esteem.  What is wrong with the truth?  Why have we become a society that is afraid of speaking the truth? Speaking the truth because we love people enough to speak truth into their lives and have the grace to speak it – not as judge and jury, not my job nor intent – but as one truly and deeply concerned about the consequences if the truth is not spoken.

My stubborn nature could be looked upon as a gift, just as being a good cook or a wordsmith.  It certainly was not a mistake in how I was created.  The trouble begins with my rebellion.  My rebel Adamic nature that wants all of Creation to be about me.  Day in and day out it demands to be first.   Every minute of every hour it yearns for control.  Ahh, control, there’s a large piece of the pie of brokenness in my life.

I’ll start with a little family of origin history.  My parents both come from fairly broken homes.  One an alcoholic dad.  The other a terribly abusive dad.  So, as I have learned in my 7+ years of co-dependent recovery work, it is valuable to look at my family of origin to understand the why of co-dependency.  To see where generational bondage flowed from.  To shed light on the patterns of sin that they may be exposed; owned; repented of and the transformative processes begun.  Transformation only occurs in the light of truth.

Shedding light on my patterns of sin is no easy journey.  To walk into a room of strangers, state my name and share that I am broken; my family is broken; and that despite ALL of my attempts to fix, I cannot.  The control that I, as a co-dependent, strove to have in order to feel safe in the midst of the chaos of my broken marriage was toxic.  However, the thing about brokenness is that the majority of the time we don’t realize how broken we are.  That is, until, thee Light is shed upon it.  For too many years I believed that my husband’s addictions were my fault.  That I somehow caused them.  That is a part of co-dependency (here out C-D) that led me to loose who I was.  Constantly trying to morph into whatever I thought would be necessary to ‘be enough’ so that he would not feel the need to abuse substances.  I am not the cause of his substance abuse issues.  I cannot control them. I cannot fix them.  Talk about having the proverbial weight of the world lifted off my back when I learned that fact!  Yeah, only to realize that I had so very much of my own stuff to own.

….my own stuff!  For sure.  And with that I will leave you today.  However, I finally have a day off – so to speak.  I am determined to borrow my brother’s oven and do a bit of therapeutic baking so that will be my next share.  Thinking maybe some Granola Scones, Chai-Spiced Cookies or possibly Oh, Glory! Muffins for the freezer.

Till next time … Bless and Be Blessed~

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